Office hour

While I sit in my (big) cabin (let me boast a bit!) in the office on the second day of my job, I feel like a working woman already (which is a great feeling by the way). Never had this excitement before, probably because previously I was heavily underpaid and the air was too casual. This place (my current office) has a friendly yet serious ambience; I like!

While I sit in my cabin I think of the pain I’ve to go through and the immense determination I need to wake up early. Waking up in the mornings will always remain problematic, more for others than me. But, I guess it is worth it; after all, I have my life’s later 20 years kept aside only for doing that and relaxing and holidaying and spa-ing and family-ing...

While I sit in my cabin, random thoughts run through my head; why do rich people get all the privileges, for example, free entry into clubs or free dinner or whatever when they can afford everything anyways, while those who need them the most are left unconsidered.

While I sit in my cabin, I think of what I would do after office hours; should I go to gym and crash after that or should I treat myself for being committed for ten months today =)

While I sit in my cabin, I dread where the world is going with gunshots-blasts echoing everywhere and terror becoming the latest trend. I had great confidence in my generation and with such ascertainment I used to argue with my elders that it was all because of their time, as less were educated and some were disturbed (due to religious or personal reasons), that the world was unsafe; but the youngsters these days, with their frustration (due to God knows what reason) enraging them, seek violence as the path to harmony. World has become even more unsafe and fearsome.

While I sit in my cabin, I miss a bunch of people who hold a special place in my life. I want to be with them. I can’t digest the fact that I am giving more importance to other things than my family; have the priorities changed? Has the witch spelled her cast on me already? This wasn’t me. I guess circumstances change people but it changed me a little too soon than I expected it to. Ah! Well, I’m gonna make up for it really soon =)

Alright, I better get to doing some serious work, ‘while I sit in my cabin’, haha.

Living a dream - only to be woken up

I don't wish I was Hillary and Bill Clinton's daughter, but I do wish my parents were Hillary and Bill Clinton. Life of President's daughter would be nowhere close to ordinary, how many ever efforts being made. I don't know whether Chelsea Clinton was smart enough or was it her dad's influence that got her into Stanford and Oxford but it is worth it, I would say.
Filthy stuff : a new dress for every occassion - people to wax your body and take care you look dead drop gorgeous - dirty sexy money to use as tissues, always at your disposal - helicopter, merely a mode of everyday transport - jobs waiting for a slight signal to suck you into stream - ...
Criticism exists as well, but again, one needs to see which size of the balance is heavier. If you're fine with no private life - no peaceful vacation - no activity that would go unnoticed - unfair public insult, then there's nothing more you need than being a Clinton.
I would say I'm much happier with my ordinary life, with my ordinary parents, with my ordinary rapports, yet there's a small part in me that wants to be the princess, or even better, the queen only to know if it is actually not worth it.

From hunters to prey

We have come a long way; from our ancestors eating on banana leaves to us using disposable plastic plates; from them using mashed up spiders for aching tooth (yes! It did happen) to us with the most latest technology, laser as such, to take the pain away; from the time when steam boats, ox-carts, wagons took weeks to cover a ‘small’ distance to today, when no corner of the world is ‘far’; from walking barefoot on path of cobblestone to running on treadmill with Nike shoes on.

Science has boomed to a great admeasurement; to a – dare be said – scary one.

Our life depends so much on technology that a day (an hour, rather) without it could cause us to panic. Imagine no escalators in malls/airports, no ATM machines, no hand phones or worst, no laptops! Life’s a handicap without these things, isn’t it?

Yes, science is advancing for our free lunch (supposedly) but relying completely on such facilities is another thing and that is where we are headed. That being said, I would not want to make my own life difficult by letting go of the aforementioned and many more privileges.

We see the danger, we see the future (where world would come to an end with one day of electricity cut; which again is likely to happen due to the rapid usage of resources), yet we refuse to succumb to it and continue to be ignorant. After all, ignorance IS bliss.

Don't worry about studies/exams/results...

...world's a mess anyway!

Absurd Judgment

I saw this girl in lounge day before yesterday. She looked very pretty to me. Wearing a lovely sweater, jeans with high heels, beautiful straight black hair let down, amazing complexion and skin. She did not look hot but yes, graceful. She studied in the lounge for more than 24 hours. Well, partial studies I guess because most of the time she was staring at her computer screen – laughing – and then typing something for a long time; either she had some problem or she feels hungry quite often because in every two minutes she would go out of the lounge and come back in 10.

In the morning, from my pantry, I saw her walk out of the new canteen wearing the same clothes and carrying her stuff (which means she was in lounge till morning).

Next day, again, while coming back from Nanyang Super Market, I saw her munching onto a bar of KitKat Chunky and cat-walking her way to the lounge. This time, she did not look graceful to me; though she was wearing another nice sweater, another pair of heels and her hair looked as gorgeous as they did the first time I saw her. This time she looked dumb.

Why? I don’t know.

Helpless Anger

They are giving the pups away and I can’t do anything about it; I can’t do anything for Mishti (and the pups) besides thinking of them all the time (which is not going to benefit anyone in anyway). It’s tough for parents as well but in one month it will be all over (pups would start to behave themselves) and then they would have more than a dog that they can keep carefree-ly and who will serve as guards!

Sigh! Then again, guess parents know best (of course, parents don’t seem to think Mishti is a parent yet).

News (yet again)

It landed as no bombshell upon me when I read about P. Selvakumar marrying a dog near Tamil Nadu, in the News today. Such beliefs have been around for hundreds of generations now. Number of incidents reported of course has been cut down in number but they still prevail.

Why do such human and non human marriages occur? Superstition? Well, in P. Selvakumar case, yes. His marrying a dog is an attempt to atone for stoning two other dogs to death 15 years ago - an act he believes cursed him (His limbs paralyzed and hearing in one ear was impaired). After all the medicines and treatments proved ineffective, he decided to go through with the wedding which was suggested by an astrologer. There was feast after the wedding; the dog was treated a bun!

His is one of the many such cases in the world. People in rural India get their baby daughters married to dogs and baby sons married to cats to ward off a bad omen.

Superstition is not only the only reason. Some people marry animals because they ‘fall in love’ with them. Dogs and cats are not the only targets; horse, dolphins, cows, snakes also are choices for a human’s spouse.

I can’t decide whether it’s more unfair to the human getting married or more dreadful to the non human, animals they are getting their knot tied to. It’s rather sad, that not only uneducated but also knowledgeable people sometimes agree to such act. Though no government in any country has yet recognized such marriage as legal, but there’s no law against it as well. Neither have I ever read about animal rights activists protesting such a horrendous deed (I hope that’s not true though).

Something to notice: No feedback, from the family of the person getting married to an animal or the person himself/herself, about the curse being faded or bad omen been ward off has been received.

It’s merely insane!

Money matter/s

Woke up at 1 in the afternoon today (of course 5 hours after I was suppose to wake up!). Studied for an hour and that was it, I felt as if I had finished the quota for today. Now, after 7 hours of wasting time and having fun, I feel the desire to gain more knowledge about the subject (guilt conscious).

It is not time to study yet though. I have a major task at hand. Get dinner. Oh yeah? For all those who think this is not a major task, try fishing for food with no cash on you or any of your friends (from whom you can borrow without feeling ashamed that is). Life has become a joke. It’s like we all are characters in a play and we know that after the play is over we get on with our old usual lives; though this play seems to go on for eternity. Never before has money been the issue for any of us. It’s like being poor, literally! We do things only that are free, for example, go to college (hardly, agreed); roam around the university; watch movies on our laptops; etc.

To come to think of it, the situation around is just making us tougher (yes guys, it DOES have a brighter side). Money management and realizing and accepting the fact that everything you desire and demand for cant always be in your hands a moment later are merely two of the several advantages of our flat broke account condition. Well now we have stories to tell to our next generation (to which they are just going to roll their eyes and say “yeah yeah” or “whateva!”).

Don’t feel down guys (okay probably you are not, but u should understand that I am writing as a third person to myself too, so if u think it doesn’t concern you, it at least bothers me once in a while). Life’s about more than just money (ummm…ummm…). Okay, let me just argue with the ‘third person’ in me. Life revolves around money! Money is like hinges of a door, like wheels of a car, like lady of the family, like meat in a burger (ooh! I miss Mc Donalds now, after 3 years of despising it!). (Some might want to replace the word ‘money’ with ‘love’ in the above sentence =p) But money would come and go (rather go and come!) but what stays are these memories, we are gonna look back to these days after 5 years, 20 years, 50 years and laugh at how we skipped meals to collect money for a shirt, shoes, skirt or how we gave up the best looking dress in the world to have a carl’s jr meal =)

Totally Random

Lot of things been happening and happening unanticipatedly while the time flies. Every morning I wake up with high goals and spirit, sky-scraping, but by the time the basic needs for survival are fulfilled the motivational force in me tapers and I end the rest of the day fidgeting around, with books (worse, laptop) open in front of me.

It’s not as bad as it sounds; I mean of course that fidgeting around is much more fun than actually gathering all the energy in your body and directing them in the mind so you can focus only on one thing, studies. Besides, agitation has not proved unconstructive this time round.

Another example of my mind getting distracted form the aim is the total wastage of my gym membership. One day I am all determined to lose weight and reduce this swollen tummy to a sexy worked out one and for the next one week, no activity because I am content with the exercise on the first day!

Yet another example of my mind getting distracted; my friends. Yes, I know they are suppose to help me seek the right path along with them, instead all I get from them is “Oh! Saw PB?”; (as soon as I sit to study) “wanna go al-ameen?”; (after returning from al-ameen) “let’s watch a movie, been a long time, then we’ll study, pukka!”; “Let’s drink tonight”; “let’s play cards”. I mean how can anyone manage to study with friends like these! (But thank you guys! You are real life savers! =p)

I realize from a few days, I have become rude. (No Chandrakant not to you; you deserve it! =p.) I think I should start eating non vegetarian again. Perhaps that is the sole reason for all the wander-ness of my mind.

Oh, Mishti’s puppies are so cute! They are such adorable darlings. It’s kind of difficult to imagine Mishti as a mother though, I mean it feels weird calling her ‘mera bacha’ now; she’s a mother after all! I miss her so much. Given a chance I would lay life of any my friends for her =p

I feel beautiful today. I think this is the first time, I’m writing this on my blog. Congratulations blog! You’ve been chosen to rise to a higher level on the list of ‘who knows Shifali’s secrets’, though I hardly think this one is an arcane. *Beauty cannot be hidden*

Okay enough of crap and random stuff. You know why am I writing this post, no not because I want to lighten my heart by letting out all the things in it, but to waste a little time before I can go party the whole night. Can anyone be more idiotic? Yes! Those who do neither; and I know quite a few who don’t. lol. (you know I’m referring to you!)

It's strange how things don't happen your way when you want them the most! It's not fair; life's not fair. Guess that's why M. Scott Peck once said "Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."
But I don't understand or accept it now, perhaps that's why I am sad today.
May God bless all the good souls in this world and give them ALL the happiness they wish for!

No comparison

I do things I enjoy doing. I used to study a few years back; even when there was no demand. I used to enjoy sitting in my study room with all the doors between the television room and my study shut so that I could prevent my ears, my brain from the rattle. My parents were not the ones who asked me not to watch my favorite movie or the program I waited for; I just couldn’t convince myself that there was anything more important than studies; not even my best friend’s phone call, not even my crush at my doorsteps…

Not that I was a nerd back then. I used to enjoy life as much; used to go for parties as much; it’s just that book were momentousness in my life.

Things now have moved to the other end of the spectrum. The order of priorities has reversed. Now I don’t make an effort to study (earlier I used to push myself to go out); now I study with loud music (earlier I used to have a problem with my sister humming a song softly); study with people around me (I could only be with a person if I have to clear a doubt); study at any place, room/super snacks/library/geckos (earlier I was even particular about my own chair, when all the chairs in an army house look the same!).

This change has not been for good, to say the least. At least the discipline before was worth it how much ever boring it may sound. There was a sense of satisfaction in class, after exams, after results. Now there’s nothing but “next time I’ll study…” on my mind and lips and regret.

Mind has become too wander-ful. It’s high time I get back on track. Believe it or not, past two days of studies (though little) gave me a feeling comparable to that of three years back; not because I completed a lot of portion but because the way of studying was similar. I am enjoying it now. I hope this stays!

Boredom

No! Life can’t be this unexciting. It’s Saturday night for Christ’s mother’s sake. I guess I can’t blame anyone but myself for this. I am so annoyed at the moment that I can’t concentrate on nothing. Tried studying/chatting/dancing/sitting at super snacks/watching movies/browsing the net but nothing; can do nothing!

*God when I wake up tomorrow please turn me into a nerd who does only one thing the whole day long; study! Please God, Please God.*

Horse And The Backbone

One of the few things that I detest to the extent that I want to take out and crush the person’s intestines, make him swallow them and tie knots of all the veins in his body is a person being insecure when there is no need to be.

I had to spend 3 hours of my lab with a person who didn’t have the audacity to look anybody in the eye; who did not speak a word unless spoken to; who was so nervous and under confident that he could hardly understand what was going on in the experiment. Alright, we all had an idea as little as him about what we were doing when making the oxygen bomb but at least we were trying to learn and have some fun ‘igniting the fluid’. He was one of those people who think they are dumb and hope to find a “buddy” who will do all the work while he himself will stand aside and focus on something immaterial so intensely so as to look a bit useful.

I don’t understand how anyone can not raise his chin while walking or not look into the other person’s eye and try to make him conscious of his moves rather than become watchful himself. Is it so difficult to have a backbone? Is it so difficult to be like a horse? (Horse symbolizes honor, reverence, power and respect.)

I know I’m being capricious in judging him on the basis of just three hours of “interaction”, but he did irritate the hell out of me!!!

Denseness

Several are not said,
Hundreds go unspoken
Many are not listened,
Thousands go un-hearken.

"the words that shall never be spoken"

Yes, I know I am short tempered and many a times get angry over illogical things (stop nodding your head while agreeing to it! I am your friend, defend me!). I feel a little not-like-shifali today. I feel really bad for being so eccentric and believing that what ever I do/say is correct because I am ‘Miss Never Wrong’!

I feel like apologizing to everyone who has been the victim of my faltoo ka gussa.

………………………………………..

Ah! Okay that is a LOT of burden off my shoulders. Now I am back to my ‘shifali’ mode. After all I AM ‘Miss Always Right’ =p

Okay since Chandrakant insists I write his name in this post, well, here it is! Woohoo!

Haha…by the way, sorry to you too. Don't get mad at me ^ ^ (My ass! who cares! =p )

Victory Victory Victory

Six runs needed off four balls with Misbah-Ul-Haq batting and JOGINDER SHARMA bowling…

Who could have thought that India was going to steal the show in that very ball; from that very ball onwards! *screams* *cheers* *hugs* *hi-fi’s* *claps* Well if this was the scenario in a house in Singapore with only 20 Indians, I don’t even want to imagine the chaos back home =)

We were all proud, proud of the boys who played brilliant under pressure. We could just imagine their happiness with their smiles and the thank you prayers (they WERE looking at the sky!!)

Of course, I was also thrilled to see Shahrukh Khan who had come down to support the Indian players. I wanted to turn into one of the Indian players, just to get one of his hugs that he broadcasted like nobody’s business! (But the excitement of seeing him had to be curbed in order to escape the weird looks and perhaps a few taunts from people around me).

Although Pakistan also played commendable today but India was NOT going to lose! World cup finals couldn’t have been more exhilarating and eye-popping.

A great evening! Studies start tomorrow with no excuse whatsoever. Goodnight…

*too amazed to speak*

Marvelous; astonishing; breathtaking; miraculous; phenomenal; spectacular; wonderful.

I wish I could think of some more synonyms for ‘amazing’, yes amazing, that is what the dances today by NUS Dance Ensemble were!

Sitting comfortably on my chair (struggling to enjoy the dance with tall people sitting in the front row; since when do you expect such problems in Singapore??) in the audience, all I could do besides appreciating the tremendous effort and practice behind the mind blowing performances, was to wonder if they were some special dancers or the human body can actually twist/bend/roll/jump/stretch that way!? I was pondering; can I ever do that and do it THAT good? Of course in today’s date I can’t (my foot has not recovered yet!). I’m scared what if I’m not able to even once it has mended and is in faultless state. I don’t ever want it to improve (because then at least I would have a reason to not being able to do wonders that the dancers today did).

But guess I’ll have to come face-to-face with the fact some day; till then it just leaves me curious…

Two Left Feet

I've never prayed/urged/craved for anything more, I think; not even when there's a lot to study 30 seconds before the exam begins; not even when I saw the most delicious/appetizing/mellow desert ever; not even when I reached home late when dad had been specific while setting the curfew; not even when didn't get to sleep enough because had to wake up early for an important class; not even when I was racing and had zilch energy left; not even when the results were going to be announced; not even when I had to say good-bye to that otherwordly/cute/cheerless face of Mishti's.

I've never prayed/urged/craved for anything more than getting into the NUS Dance Ensemble.

*Please God Please God*

Brainstorming

I am having this feeling of walk-a-step-and-you-will-fall-again-because-you-have-no-energy; weakness. I am not sure why though. Are my ligaments sucking up all the energy in me to get back to me for being a terrible, ignorant guardian to them? I surely should have treated them better. Foot has been a cause of worriment for almost 2 weeks now. That's one thing on my mind all the time; GET WELL SOON! The other things I thought about and concluded:
- It's not the thought that counts.
- No news is not good news .
- Some people need a 'Get the hell outta my life' and it's time to give that to them.

Blown Away

Yesterday I wished I were Delilah; today I am!

Thanks to Chandrakant =)

(Okay there could not have been a better way of expressing my gratitude, so hopefully you’ll stop grumbling now =p)

I miss my mother today. I miss Mishti (If you do not know who Mishti is you should not be reading this). I miss my dad. Guess sister is the only one I don’t really miss =p (but I love her more than anyone! (Just in case she reads this)). There are tons of things going on in my mind but I can’t put them down here for the sole reason that there are awesome songs playing in the PGP Badminton court (some function going on I think) and they are so loud that I cannot help but feel happy rather than writing my rather sad thoughts.

Life isn’t all that boring even if you are sitting alone in your room for more than nearly 10 hours; thanks to youtube and alluc and of course the DJ downstairs DJ’ing (the only negative side is that the music makes me want to dance!) Well of course, going to the washroom can be a major concern; it takes a lot of effort (Excuse me if I stink). Other necessities are fulfilled; courtesy friends. Not studying is acceptable since I met with an accident and am still in trauma; it’ll take a while to recover =p.

It is sadly amazing how many things can come to a standstill because of a tiny accident.

Clearly Confused!

As I sit in my room after a long day (take note, a long day not a long tiring day), I see a couple of options in front of me:
1. DON'T BE A LAZY BUM and get your ass out of the room and do something consructive (something that does not involve money; which eliminates 90% ideas). Anyway, playing badminton or gyming before stretching (so my stiffness can go away before friday) seems like a perfect plan (BUT it involves forgoing my second option).
2. RELAC LAH! Attended classes. Bought notes. Attempted to creat a funky camera using Solidworks. You need a break before you can start studying (or start watching a movie). Take a nap which according to some is just wasting time but I think there's nothing more constructive than sleeping (ahem, at least when your brain REALLY needs it).
3. GO OUT! Socializing is not non-constructive now?!? Ah, well it involves money then! Sigh!
4. STUDY...ummm...umm..umm...well...from tomorrow! Pucca se!

I so wanna stick with number 2 but I think for a change I'll go with the first one (Yes, I realised I need to shed some Kgs!)

Probation

I’ve put myself at a test. The rules are defined by me; the boundaries are decided by me; penalty is judged by me. No, am not going to cheat (I cant, rather). Just hope I have the heart of stone and a mind of my own through this assessment.

A pass would bring with it confidence and the level of self esteem would go overboard.

A fail would mean I no longer have either determination or self respect.

Starting today; hope it ends forever and leads to a much brighter side of life.

Acclimate or not

To adjust oneself to different conditions is called adaption. But is it always for the better? for the survival?
I have noticed a few changes in me lately. Unaware I was about these alterations until recently i found myself behaving in a way i would never have a few days back. The differences were mammoth-ous for me not to notice. Some were developments in a positive way; others were astonishingly the behavior i demur!
No I am not like any other person who gets influenced by the surroundings (Clarification: By 'surroundings' I might not be referring to my immediate surroundings, so no offense to anyone).
I have done whatever I wanted to all my life, and am not going to succumb that nature to anything. I still would do things which make me happy; whatever the repercussions; whatever the acknowledgment!
No! Adaption is not always for the betterment; it is wholesome only when it is well thought of. And as far as survival is concerned... that is definitely not the need of the hour in my life these days (So the chances of changes 'cos of that are ruled out).
I know tomorrow morning when I wake up it will be the uninflected me, but that is what I pray to God tonight. I would be more independent and invulnerable to the rest of the world then.

Heavy Heart

I feel discontent, depressed, fretful, restless, sad.

Guess I’m just heart broken.

Expressions =)

It sometimes feels celebrated to be apprehended by people you least expect from. Past few days episodes have made me hang in and have actuated me to be nice to everyone, be responsible and also to stand up and own the blunder. Just when I thought that life is no longer as beautiful as it used to be (when you din have to wake up early mornings to go to a place where you’re always thinking of ways to get out of; when you did not have to think twice before having a sweet dish after meals, when you did not have to curb the temptation once you pass the Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s tubs in 711), just then a smile as a gesture of appreciation and liking, a compliment much deserved and required, a memory of my pride reminded by an admirer, a phone call from people who usually do not keep in touch added colors to my otherwise black and white life these days. (added colors?! Black and white life?! Man I sound like a depressed artist).

Things so undersized and facile yet so momentous and applauding; these are the things that make your day when everything else in life is glitched up. I do not feel frothy anymore!

Heads and Tails

Woke up an hour late, realized that taking a bus and going to the office (and reaching at a time when you JUST cross the cushion you think should be OKAY for going late) would not be so effortless with NO cash on me. Friends asleep (some careless!) would have been a great help only if I had the heart to nudge them at the time when even the birds do not chirp (we shall skip the little details of a small incidents =p). All in His hands, I thought, and left the very cozy and alluring room (quilt and bed weren’t the only reason!).

The day starts awful.

I step out of the building and the first sight is of God trying to help me. I’ve never talked to this guy as much to ask for the bus fare (ATM would have taken time!) but I swallowed my pride, dignity, ego and shamlessly yet subtly charged him for being the first aquaitance to meet me this morning. Ran to catch the bus. Bonanza! While sitting in the bus I was hoping that it’ll turn into a jet and pass all these traffic lights, (which today were turning red JUST before the my bus could cross it) and skip all the bus stops (today the bus stopped at EACH ONE OF THEM!). But I guess luck was with me, reached office before boss did. All was good. And it just became better with time. I am permitted to leave office just 4 hours after I step in today.

The day becomes worthier.

Now just hoping that the seminar would go smooth and so will the clamation of my luggage. I need something more than my tears this time; LUCK! And since the day has been benign, i shall give it a shot.

Midst of a serious talk

culsultant - conslutant - constulant - consultant!
How frikking embarrassing can it get?!@#$

Broken chain

A few thoughts popping up in my mind at the moment:

- i want to drink

- loof sounds like a sexy place

- I’ll sleep before 2 am every morning

- keep your eyes open!

- I need a bed

- girls should be taken care of

- they should be treated delicately

- i love heels

- tattoo!

- money money money

- ma pa’s 25^th anniversary =D

- chasing cars

- formal shirts turn me on

- chicken

- ck is busy

- dream on

- socha nahi tha...

- pizza pazza pasta fresca bistro L’Emozione Italy!

- I wanna dance alone

- manu is a sweetheart

- lose weight

- no time

- having too much of things that I wished never would happen

- I love mishti the most in this world!

- salary

- akshay gaurav coming tomorrow!

- girika is playing good songs

- life rocks after a cup of milo

Woke up to a beautiful morning; cool breeze, cloudy sky (convinced myself to not skip another day at work, got off the bed). Ten minutes and I was ready. Left the room with a smile. Was strolling and enjoying the freshness of morning air.

(On the way to the bus stop) All I saw around me was people rushing to work; running towards the bus stop just to catch the bus on time or just to miss it if they thought, even for a bit, of how bizarre it looks when they sprint in formal clothing or if the thought of caring a little for the hurting feet, because of the heels, flashed their minds even for a millisecond! Some were rushing inside the buildings where they were supposed to report 5 minutes earlier. Some had piles of papers to go through before they could show to their boss last night’s work (when the boss left early and gave heaps of files for them to be completed and kept on his desk before he shows up in office tomorrow). Some had their breakfast in their hands, struggling to get a bull’s eye, aiming their mouths while running. Major attempt was to keep the coffee from spilling on the dress they bought recently to impress the people in the office or the interviewer if the job is yet to be confirmed. And all the people you think are sitting calmly either at the bus stop or in the bus, they are actually brainstorming in their minds as to what excuse would be apt and appropriate and reasonable for them being late, for a raise in salary in spite of being late, for a raise in salary and a few days off in spite of being late.

The atmosphere was so overanxious yet it did not keep me from ambling and enjoying the cool breeze, the cloudy sky and the freshness and peace in the air. It was a beautiful morning…

LIGHT!

I was going through hundreds of diaries my grandfather has left behind; couldn’t read most of the stuff either because of the handwriting or because they were so old that ink had faded. But the one quote that I could indeed read clearly was the one which made me forgo all my charges against myself for being guilty of making people wait for me. It came as a confidence boosting blessing from heaven by grandpa =). Here it is,

Relax! You are worth waiting for

it's all worth it after all

It’s surprising how things as small as waking up just 15 minutes late, catching the bus JUST in time, following the meal schedule you have made and saved on computer, bitching to your friend about your friend can make your day!

With such a beginning you look forward to the work piled up on your desk, just to get done with it and get home to spend a much deserved and wonderfully relaxing evening with people you adore. What else could I ask for? (Alright I shall not get started on WHAT ELSE could I ask for, because the list is humongous but what I mean is sometimes things may appear small but if we start to enjoy them and squeeze all the pleasure out of them , they significantly affect your life in a beautiful way!)

Mood Swing vs Cold Shoulder

I am not its slave, then why do I succumb to it? Do I not have the imperative resistance against it? Will I always be commanded by it? Do I not have a say? Are mood swings that authoritative?!

Till half an hour back I was the happiest person living on this earth (some might argue against it but there is no way you are winning the battle Mr. Charlatan) for reasons more than one, for reasons known to two, for reasons shared by three (literally!). Things were gorgeous, weather beautiful. Nothing could have gone wrong for me not to celebrate my exalted happiness; nothing could have Possibly gone wrong for me not to celebrate my blessedness. Just as I was thinking about the wonderful day I was going to spend working in the office for 9 hours (with only 4 hours of sleep last night; no regrets!) there was a sudden stroke of ‘something that can be described as an unpleasant incident’ and that was all that was needed for my mood to take a 180 degree turn!

It swung from one end of the spectrum to the other in no time. It’s not fair! Not to the reason for which I was happy! It never is I guess. But, shouldn’t it be? After all even the smallest bliss, even the slightest pleasure, even the basic cheer is majestic in comparison to the obnoxious episode of everyday life. All I want to do is to realize the importance of each adversary and give each its share of attention. I believe it all comes in a package with indifference; I cannot stress on how flattered I am by this “word”, more!

The word so powerful that it can take your mood to where it was as quickly as it was displaced; that it can take you to the path of salvation; that it can make you achieve a fragrant aura.

Amplified Silence

Things are going the way they should; the way they are; the way I want them to. Yet there’s this feeling of discontentment. The reason for this is not obscure to me; though I might be too aghast to blurt it, even when I’m by myself, alone; lonely, that is what I feel today and felt yesterday and the day before that and... (As a matter of fact I’ve been around a lot of people lately so I don’t feel deserted because I have no one to hang out with, it’s something else! Besides, staying alone has never been a worriment. So, the option of staying aloof is ruled out as the cause of my fretfulness.)

I miss a couple of people today.

Though I thought naming people in my blog would be forbidden yet I have to let Akshay know that I really wish he was here; he’s the one guy (the only person in this world) I can talk to about anything and everything and not feel stupid after that for telling him how I felt. He seems to be listening ( =p ) and understanding whatever I tell him. Yes, you might call me selfish and desirous for wanting him to be here only so that I feel better; but what the hell, it’s just a wish!

Second day: just on time (again) - got soaked on the way (it was pouring like nobody's business) - did my homework in office - deleted the file i was working on for so long (who would say i slept well last night?!) - got fever - am starving (it's lunch time)
Hope rest of the day goes smooth as well =p

First day: just on time for office - LOT of work - heavy lunch - only 3 hours of sleep - slight hangover - long day - slept before mid night!

Haywire High Spirits

I will not say I was commendable but I was not pathetic as well. I was a blameless host, but my sister seems to think otherwise (she definitely does not put herself in somebody else’s shoe).

Some friends are annoyed with me, when I’ve been trying my level best to handle things with the right balance (and trust me seeing the situation this is an ace bargain).

Parents ensure that they find one reason or the other for being the ground of scolding their child (agreed they know more than us, but they must understand that kids will learn only by mistakes and not by lectures).

I get tired (physically) too often and too early these days. Showing sister around cannot be the deduction because straying was never a botheration to me. Yes, shopping might be it! To hell with the Great Singapore Sale!

Am exhausted, of trying to keep the mind and the relationships calm. Hope everything is being handled when I wake up tomorrow morning. Am literally exhausted! Goodnight…

Skylark

Something's missing in life! No, it's not love (if that was your first guess). There's plenty of that as of now from everywhere.
Perhaps I HAVE become an adult. As much as i admire being matured and sofisticated, i want to be a child again and want my juvenile years back. It's not that life's stereotyped and there's no fun at present, yet there's something missing. Something that cannot be expressed in words but is tasted by all at one point in time or the other, and it's my time now. But, I will not sit back and feel my mind get restless. I shall go back into time; squeeze the past; grab the childhoodness; and dare to mingle it with adult in me! The child will never die, for she is what we all need (dodo adults conveniently ignore that fact).
Ah, i already feel umm..youthful!
Nah...it's not time for me to grow old now. It's fun and frolic time!

History "Hatched"

Today’s day would be distinguished as the day when Shifali, for the first time, cooked! The food was delicious (I’m sure parents would second the motion). More than proud I was excited. It was enjoyable standing near the gas, everything lined up to be poured into the cooker; vegetables chopped, masalas labeled. So basically, the tough part was already done by others I just had to do the painless. But it’s not that it did not require patience, skill or tolerance (it was pathetically hot in the kitchen!). I’ve “fired” the cook bhaiya, told him “u don’t need to come anymore, this house has found a new and a better cook” =p. (he must be having a ball tonight).

Gym was also entertaining. Few acquaintances here in Jammu, all of them dropped by, in that one hour when I usually don’t want to talk to anyone and work out, but it was pleasant for a change.

I wore the most beastly, nauseating and nasty nail polish today. I guess it was just a reaction to my fantasy of having long nails come true. I was so overly blissfully happy that it hardly mattered when I was applying it. Later, when people commented, either on nails or the color, I felt more stupid than girly!

Mirror Mirror on the Wall....

I wasn’t nervous, neither was I cocksure, I was just..umm...angry. I did not want to take part; I was forced to. I did not want to embarrass myself (guess I didn’t after all). I did not want to walk like a…girl. But all's well that ends well! Am happy now with 3000 bucks of well deserved prize (that’s what everyone said at least) and a trophy in my hands and an ugly looking crown (a hair band rolled with red cloth and “decorated” with golden stars) on my head. I wasn’t really on top of the world but yes, it was..umm..fun! (minus the part where I had to repeatedly recite the words “thank you SO much uncle/aunty” and smile one end to the other to reciprocate theirs; man my jaw was exhausted more than my feet, at least I could remove my heels once I was off the ramp)

P.S.: I thought my answer was horrifying, especially when I heard my voice in an eco. No, no don’t get it wrong. It wasn’t that bad either. (Trust me I did not bribe the judges!!)

P.P.S.: There was a tragedy when my chance of performing came but I shall be shush about it for now. Alright! I guess I DID embarrass myself a bit =p

!@#$!@%#

ALRIGHT!!! ma scolds and screams as well! for NO reason whatsoever!

where it all started and where it will end

‘Mother’, a word around which revolves every child’s life. It means relaxation when you are stressed; it means peace when your mind is wandering; it means company when you are alone; it means love when you feel hated; it means happiness when you are feeling down; it means courage when you are scared; it means support when you fall; it means fun when you are bored; it means fear when you do wrong; it means strength when you are weak; it means everything to a child. It is an answer to every question, yet a question in itself. It is the path to heaven, yet a heaven in itself. It holds your world together and nurtures it every single moment. It has the power to make everything that’s going wrong in your life, right.

God might be the one who created the universe but it was Her who gave us life and more importantly, taught us how to live it. Thanks ma!

wanna bet!?

i would have won this 'bet' even if George Bush had put all his power to stop it from happening! perhaps i understood it better than anyone else did. (this was one of those bets when you wish you would lose but are so sure that you won't and of course, you don't, sadly). but what the heck, bitter win is rare; i should be celebrating instead of mourning. after all win is a win isn't it?

HE has been kind

They have bad dreams, they have bad days, they have bad incidents; I had none in the past few days. Yet mind is wistful, longing for an, yet another, euphoria. And I’ve not reckoned the duty to content my mind on God; it’s my air castle and I’ll frame and shape it myself; with of course just a little contribution from Him; contribution of courage, patience, determination and most importantly the ability with which He has blessed me for 20 years now, the ability to be happy and smile in the toughest of situations. (He has been kind, indeed).

"Mom, I'm home!"

It’s nice to be home. (So what if the home is in Jammu right now, it’s going to shift soon!) Escorts to chauffeur you around, cooks to prepare any dish you appetite for, people to clean the mess you leave behind, et al. Not one command that won’t be obeyed, not one desire that won’t be crowned. In no way am I conveying that these are the only reasons that make me feel nice to be home but it would be bogus to say that they don’t play a role either. How much ever I aspire not to depend on others and do my own work, the perks available are way too tempting.

I wonder at times whether exploiting these resources, readily accessible to you, is right. Perhaps it is. Or at least I have forced my mind to think that way so that I do not feel guilty when I do. Factual it may be that I am not completely dependent on this ‘opulence’ but it certainly is fallacious that I do not enjoy or wish for these facilities in the future.

Whatever the issues are, it’s nice to be home =)

...

Happiness and sadness are two sides of the same coin, indeed! But, for me (at present) it goes this way; the coin has been tossed and is in the air now; making me eagerly wait for the result; for me to be either happy or sad. The outcome will depend; depend on the duration for which the coin is in the air, drag forces that it will face, and believe it or not, it will also depend on whether I want a heads or a tails. At the moment all this makes perfect sense in my life.

Whatever side is on the top does not matter much; be it heads or tails, happiness or sadness. More significant is the way I spend the time while waiting for the coin to land and tell me my fate; fate has not been fated yet and there’s nothing that is in my hands except the time now, which IS in my hands =)

Short Entries?!

Someone said to me “You should write short entries in your blog”. I ask ‘why’.

What are blogs actually for? When I started blogging, I thought I am using some space on the internet to express my views, my thoughts, my experiences; express them to no one but myself. No, I am not claiming that I wished nobody would know about my ‘little secret’, all I’m saying is that I do not expect people to read my blog as an ‘entry’ but as my view, thought or experience. Now, is there any limit for that? Should I not enunciate what I want to thoroughly instead of making it brief so that people will find it interesting to read? Sounds strange to me; as I said earlier I thought blogs were for one’s own self.

Anyway, If writing short entries is the norm then I shall play by the rules. I am not much of a rebel when it comes to matters as trivial as pleasing other people at the cost of almost nothing. But, if and whenever I have something big in my mind I will not be scared to be an insurgent because I still believe that blogs are for one’s own self.

"Who cares?!"

‘Indifference’, a word I did not understand the importance of till late and now when I do, I realize it is not a word to be used only in phrases but also in our lives. People do not give a serious thought to it and hence, most problems in their life. Staying aloof from everything that is happening around you is not indifference; that would isolate you from the rest of the world. Indifference is selective! You should choose to be indifferent when you see things you do not want to. Again, there can be several interpretations to that. Let me clarify; here I’m talking about being indifferent towards things that do not affect you (or do so but not as much to change your life or avert you from your goal or even interfere with it) but can keep your mind occupied for a period longer than you can imagine, first when you are conscious and then when unconscious. Cold shoulder to such matters can keep one’s mind calm and give a sense of contentment, contentment of not getting disturbed by the event, contentment of being happy and contentment of the thought that you do not need anybody around you for you to be happy, for you to enjoy life. One universal truth: You are Yourself! Neither do you NEED anyone nor does anyone needs you. Yes, ‘want’ has a different meaning altogether and it is this ‘want’ that makes it necessary to bring in the concept of indifference. When you want something (the intensity of want may vary) and you do not get it, you can either cry for it or can be indifferent towards it (of course, if the ‘want’ becomes your passion, you goal, there should be no hurdle that should stop you!). Crying for it will just make you look weak and a laughing stock while indifference will gain you some respect while making you strong from the inside. Inside, that is the place where this feeling should emerge from. Just pretending to be indifferent will do no good to noone!

For some this would mean total bull shit, but for me, at the moment, there’s nothing as meaningful as the word ‘indifference’.

A post after sentosa, after taking my own time out

They say speak of yourself
I speak not.
They say express your mind
I express not.
They say tell your problems
There aren't any,
Problems have solutions
but Solutions there are not.

Tutorien sind nützlich

I will write that in all the languages if necessary to get it registered into my head that 'Tutorials ARE important and useful!' Lektion Erlernt!!! While sitting in the examination hall today(mind you, Sitting, which in my terms imply sitting idly), i thought of the questions for a while, tried to remember where before had i seen the question, and could vaguely visualize the past; the past, where i just skimmed through the (very important) tutorials thinking 'of course they aren't gonna give the same questions!' and moved on to do make the formula sheet; the formula sheet, which proved to be totally useless through the exam, not because i did not refer to it but because i referred to it to affirm the correctness of the formulae i had already written and when i did not know a formula, the sheet did not have it either! And there, i was left to guess the formulae; formulae, that i thought were important were apparently so obviously important that we were not even suppose to write them in the formula sheet, instead know them on our fingertips. That one sheet of paper was for us to jot down the not-so-important-but-likely-to-be-used formulae which I thought were not gonna appear in the paper because of their complexity. (What in the world was I thinking?!?! We are in frikking University for goodness's sake!!)
Sigh! Only if i could go back to the past...NO! not to cheat or change my marks (ahem..well atleast i THINK i won't do that), but to read ALL my tutorials again with as much concentration as one needs while watching Prison Break (where you take care of the SMALLEST things you watch thinking perhaps it'll have an important consequence later in the episode).
Only, only if i could go back to the past.

Ascertainment

Eight months of living in the university and i did not know that studying at the central library forum can be so productive. More because of the lovely weather today i suppose. Cool breeze - mnm's - a bottle of water - music - cheesecake - EG1108 ("EG1108?!@#" well i noe it sounds out of place but trust me wasn't all that bad). Well so finally i found it; after exploring YIH, CL level 6, level 4, mac, room, pgp; the perfect place to study for exams and more importantly, be content with the turnout. Ah, the major reason for the output was perhaps studying alone! (HINT: next time you see me studying alone and you wanna say a 'hi' - DO NOT BOTHER)
So, in all a pleasant day inspite of being a 'preparation day' besides the part where i had to make calls to WAKE my roommate UP! Not only does it waste time and money but also it takes a lot more effort to not let your mind wander and concentrate on useful things again. When will she understand?! (GOD why did you have to make her like me?!)